BPD

I don't know which things are BPD and which aren't, but the main stuff seems to be the fact that I feel empty a lot, or at least try to, because if I dig down or think about myself I feel bad. Really bad. Depressed bad. I can't take it. For about three years I wanted to commit suicide, and secretly made small cuts in my wrists with a sharp art scraper thingy and, on one occasion, a fish knife when my parents were out. I never feel like I fit in, and my self-esteem fluctuates a lot. It got so bad that I just wanted to see if anyone noticed, and I got the scraper thing and went at the artery in my neck. I couldn't cut with it though, so I was just scraping the skin away. I'd done it because it was too painful to cut my wrists, and I came up with the idea that my neck would be less sensitive. I went at it for maybe 5-10 minutes, methodically scraping and wiping my neck and the blade if they were getting too bloody and I couldn't see the original cut. Then, I felt like something stopped me. Enter my religious conversion, but that's kind of beside the point. I didn't tell anyone for ages, and to my, I don't know, sadness maybe, my family and friends believed me when I said I'd gotten the cut while paintballing. That hurt me more than anything, it took people a few days to notice it at all, and then they forgot about it. I had to tell my friend, eventually. She was supportive, as always, and was the subject for quite a few of my poems around that time. I feel that I owe her my life. Without her, I would've done it again, and probably succeeded, but now I have something to keep me grounded. I still get the thoughts, and the depression, but know I think that I can handle it. It was a rough year. Within one year I was suicidal, Christian and I came out as bi. My friends all know now, and I've tried to teach them that suicide isn't something that dumb people do, it's something that you do when you feel that you have no choice, and you are so low that you don't think that anyone would notice. These are my experiences. I was thought to be attention-seeking, by some people very close to me, and that hurt more than anything else, but really, you have to rely on your friends. That's why I want to get a tattoo designed by my friends when I'm older, because "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves". Thanks.

Dabble